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TCOOTD Prologue: Part1 by ~sunac:iconsunac:



A long time ago when the Earth was new, and the creatures of the planet were being created, the first dragon was born. A being born of light that was pure, wholesome, and perfect. When the world was created, the essences of each element were set aside for this perfect creature. When the first rains fell upon the Lands, they united those elements to create the Legendary White Dragon, which became the first Higher Being.

He was as white as freshly fallen snow. His wings were the perfect size and the inside of his wings was Mother of Pearl. His claws were clear and the most deadly; they were never dirty and were used only to scratch his scales. His eyes were milky white; he did not have pupils or irises but he could see anything in the world, no matter how big or small.

On his crown was the essence of each element that created him. The essences were jewels and were arranged from left to right in this order: a jade for Earth, a ruby for Fire, a diamond for Air, and a violet amethyst for Water. In the center of his brow lay all his power, in it lay in teardrop form, a black opal. In the opal, all of his power is concentrated and where it flows out.

At the time, there were not any humans, just lower beings trying to make their place and to live. The Legendary White did not think any creature was less then him. To the Legendary White, every creature was his equal because all creatures were born of the same essence he was.

Around the time the Legendary White was a couple centuries old, a new creature started to appear. This was the first creature that had promise of equal intelligence to the Legendary White. A couple centuries later, this race started showing signs of being the most dominant on the planet. The Legendary White thought that the time was right to bring knowledge to the creatures called human and teach them things the Legendary White has seen for himself, but whenever he tried to communicate to the humans himself, but those funny little creatures would just run around and shout things. Therefore, he ended up deciding that the safest measure to having the humans learn about their history was through creatures that resembled humans. Therefore, he created the FairRe.

The FairRe were modeled after the humans only they held power that was equal to the Legendary White, the only difference was they did not have power over the elements. When the Legendary White Dragon created the FairRe, he only created 50 beings. Even though they were modeled after the humans, they were far more intelligent and superior. Later in human history, their decedents would be persecuted and labeled a witch. Most would be killed.

Some time passed, the FairRe were accepted by the humans, and the Legendary White grew even older. As he grew older, he grew lonely and wished for others like him. With this, he created four lizard eggs, each the color of one jewel that contained the essence of an element. The Legendary White decided to raise them from eggs teach them the ways of the world and to respect everything for young-lings are more trusting than adults.

When they finally hatched, the Legendary White realized that his children like the FairRe were not perfect, for they required food and this meant they would have to kill the creatures that the Legendary White has always admired. The Legendary White did not foresee this obstacle. For once in his long life, the Legendary White did not know what to do, so he called upon his first children, the FairRe to hunt for their young bothers and sisters.
©2006-2009 ~sunac
:iconsunac:

Author's Comments

this is a story i started a while ago called "The Chosen One of the Dragons". Sorry about the shortened title, the whole thing wouldn't fit on the line. this is the prologue. i had it on another account but decided to do just my writings here. if you know what my other account is, please keep it to yourself. i would like to keep these 2 account separated from each other. i will try to update this story as much as possible.

next: [link]

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:iconachitka:
Hello...

Just a few comments on your prologue - and before you say - its just the prologue - let me say 9 times out of 10 that if the prologue is in need of work - then I am less inclined to read further.

You do a lot of telling, but don't describe the surroundings or characters in any great detail. THe legend of the fairRe was interesting - but maybe they should show up before the human population?


anyway on with the show:

A long time ago when the Earth was new and the creatures of the Earth, were being created, the first dragon was born. He was born of pure light, pure, wholesome, and perfect. When the Earth was created, the essence of each element was set aside for the perfect creature and when the first rains fell upon the Earth, they combined to create the Legendary White Dragon. When the time was right, he took his first breath and became the first Higher Being.

It really is too many 'Earths', drama aside that's 4 times in one paragraph

Next:

A long time ago when the Earth was new(,) and the creatures of the Earth were being created,(;) the first dragon was born. ((He was) <--- this can be deleted)) (B)born of ((pure) <--repeated can be deleted)) light, pure, wholesome, and perfect. When the Earth (world?) was created, the essence(s) of each element (were) set aside for (this) perfect creature and when the first rains fell upon the Earth (Lands), they combined to create the Legendary White Dragon.

(I don't hink you need this sentence or perhaps it should be reworded---> When the time was right, he took his first breath and became the first Higher Being.)

to something like: "...to create the Legendary White Dragon, and became the first Higher Being..."

oh and this: The Legendary White Dragon was all white. <--- this is or should be obvious - know what I mean? Sometimes less really is more - you need to look for ways to cut back on the unneeded flourish.

Your style is a little bumpy bouncing in and out of a formal tone. The voice of the narration should remain constant to help the reader get into the flow of thing.

I really like the ideal - while elemental dragons aren't really new, I'm interested in seeing where it all goes - I love to read fantasy fiction and your idea has tickled my imagination (I did read the 2nd half of the prologue as well)

If you want I will come back and do a full critique on both and pm you the results - I leave that up to you - know also that anything you see above should be considered suggestions - I don't do this to offend - but you did request advance critique and that tells me you're looking to improve

blah blah blah - anyway cya round - achitka

--
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said :)

Now go watch some Youtube fun: [link]
:iconsunac:
thank you soo much for the suggestions. i have been trying to get someone to critique my work before i put it up, but no one really wanted to. repeating all of those words so many times bothered me a bit, but i couldn't think on how else to put it to make it sound right for what i had in plan for the story. i guess you could say i had a sort of a writer's block for words....

again thank you for taking the time to give me such good suggestions. i am just starting out and i always have room for improvement. i will go through and make those changes because they make more since then what i currently have.

--
no amount of money can buy you a brain
I am worth $1,598,400 on HumanForSale.com
:iconachitka:
I did actually re-read the new thing you wrote and I like the changes, there are still some things that can be shortened, but overall is a good effort - hope to read more soon

--
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said :)

Now go watch some Youtube fun: [link]
:iconsunac:
thanks :hug: for the comment and taking the time to re-read it.

--
no amount of money can buy you a brain
I am worth $1,598,400 on HumanForSale.com

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October 2, 2006
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